Thursday, February 17, 2011

Amish Chicken

Last night I ate Amish chicken for dinner.  Looked and tasted like a normal chicken, but it was Amish.

My wife informed me that she was once told by a vegan in high school that Amish chickens were killed gently.  This made them taste better and justified why the vegan could eat the soft, white meat. 

Let's assume the rumor is true, and not a means by which the vegan could go ahead and morally eat meat - because I was informed upon further questioning that she did not eat animal products because of the cruelties animals face.  What would a gentle slaying look like?  I will provide three thoughts and you can add more below if you wish.

1.) Earlier this week, my daughter learned how to put stickers on her face.  One by one, she would peel and place until she had 8-10 stickers on her face.  Then, she began to stack the stickers, one on top of the other, on her chubby cheek.  It was very cute and provides us with a killer strategy.  What if the Amish place a sticker on the head of the chicken each day, stacking sticker on top of sticker until the poor chicken cannot bear to lift its head any longer.  Slowly it lies down and never rises.

2.) Again, earlier this week I indulged in The Princess Bride.  This movie is a must see.  It's not that long, but is so captivating that it feels like you've been watching it forever.  (Guys, if you like action, check out the RUS scene in the Fire Swamp.)  Wesley, the young farm boy who, due to true love, seeks to save Buttercup from her kidnappers, takes out a giant (Andre the Giant for you professional wrestling followers) in a gentle manner.  Here is the clip dubbed over in Italian!
You will notice here that Wesley is able to take down the giant with a clever sleeper hold and very little struggle.  I would imagine the same could work in killing a chicken gently.  One must jump on the back of the chicken and carry on conversation with it, while employing the choke hold.  Seems simple enough.

3.) The classic poison dart.  Relatively painless and kills on contact.  Here, the Amish would simply need to buggy down to South America, pick up a tribesman (which would require a trade of sorts...maybe one of those Amish electrical heaters for a shrunken head and the gentle killing service), buggy back to Amish Country and let the blow dart man go to work.

These all seem perfectly plausible and about as gentle as my daughter hugging her teddy bear.

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